Questions 1 & 2 deal with the Pressing Issues. Very rarely will you ask someone if they would like to have a Courageous Conversation directly. You will most likely realize that there is a problem because someone is either acting hurt or trying to get you to understand their viewpoint. When you see that a conversation is turning combustible because you don’t feel understood or the other person is frustrated, it should dawn on you that you need to humble yourself and esteem the other's need to be heard as greater than your own.

This is the third beatitude of Jesus: God blesses the humble, for they will inherit the whole earth.

You can say, “What I hear you saying is that your most pressing issue is…” or if they have brought out multiple issues, “What I hear you saying is…, which of these is the most pressing issue?”

The goal in this question is to get to the real issue. Most people may not be aware of how to describe their most pressing needs. Listen to what they say and try to see where one of two root issues may be causing the intense feelings.

• Fear of Rejection – This issue or person is making me feel like I am unacceptable and I don’t feel good about myself because of it.
• Fear of Failure – This issue or person is making me feel inadequate.

Think about how the woman’s most important question is being answered. Frequently, a woman asks herself constantly “Am I worth being pursued?”, so when her husband is not initiating the conversation or showing interest in her issues, she feels rejection.

With men it seems the major question they are asking themselves is “Am I adequate, do I have what it takes to succeed?” When they feel like others view them as inadequate or their ability to succeed is hampered then they begin to experience tension.

Sometimes people don’t verbalize these root issues and you need to sense if they are willing to acknowledge that this fear is present, otherwise let them determine their most pressing issue and agree to pursue this course with them.

It is important that you write down the most pressing issue in a concise sentence because all the other questions will refer to this issue. You can only deal effectively with one issue at a time.

Questions 3 & 4 deal with the painful consequences of an issue. The beatitude of mourning can be displayed by the listener as they show empathy for the other person. When a person feels heard and cared about they can begin to move on to resolving their issues. It is a rare experience for most people to feel safe enough to talk about anything because there are so few people who can listen from another’s perspective. One definition of intimacy I like is “In To Me See.” When we look through another person’s eyes and see as they see we can begin to understand why they are behaving the way they are.

When you take the brunt of their intense emotions and don’t defend yourself, but mourn over what you may have caused or what others have contributed to, you are following the command “to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.” It also allows you to see just how serious of an issue this is and what the cause and effects are for yourself and the organization.

Rephrase what you heard the person say to their satisfaction. This is a part of engaging in the conversation and helping the person feel understood.

The second part of this question allows you to see how that person acts when they feel a certain way. They may get angry, they may withdraw, they may get busy. It's a clue for you for the future as to how they might be feeling when you see that action taking place.

This question is a real motivator because you begin to see the high cost of doing nothing. You really need to consider just what the future could be and not gloss over this one. It helps everyone to be more committed to resolving the issue.

Rephrase what you heard the person say to their satisfaction. If they are not satisfied that you understand, allow them to rephrase their statement, don’t try to guess, but be patient until they can verbalize their own thoughts. A right answer is like a kiss on the lips, and in this case it is a answer that shows you understand them.

Questions 5 & 6 deal with the personal responsibilities of those involved in the issue. When you ask this question you are showing a noble willingness to yield your rights and become meek and lowly, a servant like Christ, one who lays down his life for a brother. It also reveals a hunger and thirst for Christ’s righteousness rather than defending your own. This is the question most people fear to ask. It takes grace to die and lose your life, but God promises you will find it if you willingly lay it down. This question opens up the opportunity to really understand the heart of another, they want to share with you their real needs. If you begin to explain, complain or blame them in response to this question then you will have failed and turned a courageous conversation into a combustible one due to cowardice in not laying down your life.

Rephrase what you heard the person say to their satisfaction. The goal of rephrasing their statement is to try and understand their heart. If they verbalized it well enough you can simply restate their comments, if God gives you further insight then be willing to wait until later to share this with them. Do not try to make up new statements because you don’t want to use their words, it will change the meaning. Our goal is to reveal that we do understand their heart.

This question is one the speaker is totally unprepared for because they have probably taken on the role of a victim. With this question you help them begin to move out of being a victim into a response-able person. They can begin to share in the responsibility of resolving this issue. The turning point of the whole conversation starts with this question.

People who are speaking begin to show mercy to the listener if they have demonstrated humility, mourning, meekness and a hunger and thirst for righteousness. Some people will maintain a victim mindset. It is easier for a mediator to deal with this issue than a person who is part of the issue. If I am part of the issue I simply say “What I hear you saying is...“

Questions 7 & 8 are about the preferable future. This question turns the focus on what has been to what could and should be. It creates hope in the people because they begin to share a vision that both can agree on. When they realize how much they agree on their desired future they begin to walk together in agreement. This question begins to restore a sense of partnership and enthusiasm for what could and should be in their relationship and organization. God begins to give them a pure heart to see the future as he sees it, full of plans for good and not for evil.

Restate what you heard them say the preferable future could be.

The second part of this question allows you to create a plan for when you fail and how you will recover. It's a way for your spouse to let you become consciously competent by having them (gently) point out your error. It might be a memorable sentence or code word that you do not find offensive. What can your spouse safely do and say to help course correct and connect with them? What can you safely do and say to acknowledge your failure?

This question is an acknowledgment of Psalm 55:22 We are to cast back on the Lord all our burdens that a conversation like this can create. We now know our responsibilities and the preferable future and we will either try to do it in the power of our flesh or we will cast our burdens on the Lord and acknowledge our weakness and dependence on Him to perform all things for us. When we agree in prayer right then we invite God's power to impact this issue. Psalm 133:1-3 says that God commands a blessing when brethren dwell together in unity.

Come together in prayer and ask God for this one thing.

If you are in a secular setting, use the question "What is the one thing that we can agree upon?"

Questions 8 & 9 have to do with making Powerful Plans. This question helps us focus on one thing that will make all the difference if we execute it with consistency and excellence. We are looking for one thing that will help us move towards the preferable future. It is an idea such as “We cannot fail to communicate.” It is an objective that is simply understood by everyone. For a doctor going into surgery, the one thing he cannot fail to do is wash his hands well or everything else he does will be rendered inconsequential. What is the one thing that you cannot fail to do or everything else will be rendered inconsequential? Understanding this one thing puts you on the path to making peace.

Andy Stanley wrote a book about the “Most Important Question” and he states it like this “What is the wisest step you should take based on past experience, present circumstances, and future hopes?” These are the steps you can put in your planner. It describes who will do what by when. These are highly leveraged steps that will yield the greatest results. They are the 20% activities that will yield 80% of your results.

May God grant you the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding that you may walk worthy of His noble calling and produce fruit that will stand the test of eternity as you make noble plans and carry out noble deeds.